Hello! I’m a PC – and I can’t answer your email right now. I’d like to say that I’m out climbing Mt. Rainier or biking across Europe with the Swedish Beach Volleyball Team, but in fact I’m probably just chained to a desk somewhere in the depths of Redmond pounding out product specifications.

Now that I have been in a commercial, Microsoft has given me access to super-secret “BillyG” level of executive resources. That’s right – I have my own email auto-responder!

This, as you have probably surmised, is my pre-prepared auto-response (All natural, no filler. No animals were harmed in the making of this response. Except for a ferret.) I really would like to have answered you myself, but if I did, (a) I’d probably get no work done, and (b) then I’d get fired, and (c) then I’d have no chance of doing any more of those really awesome commercials.

So let me try to prognosticate a few of your questions and answer a few of them.

Why did they put you on TV?

I think it’s my devastating good-looks and animal magnetism. No, really – there’s a ferret stuck to my leg right now.

But really – you aren’t even an actor!

No I’m not. But I play one on TV. I really am a Microsoft Program Manager. I work on IPv6, and other things that you haven’t heard of.

How did you get selected?

I auditioned along with a couple of hundred others. I guess I looked very Engineery. And the ferret probably helped.

Are you interested in more acting?

Oh no, I think that Engineering is MUCH more fun.

What’s with Windows Vista?

You’ve been watching those commercials again, haven’t you? Windows Vista rocks. Listen to real users, not actors.

-The Real PC, Sean Siler

[via crunchgear]

Send the results to contests@gizmodo.com with "I'm a PC" in the subject line. Name your file FirstnameLastname.jpg so you can be properly credited for your genius, and send it in to me by next Tuesday. I'll pick the top three winners and show off the rest of the best in our Gallery of Champions. Get to it, friends!

But last time, they weren't cruel enough to bring disco into the mix. Citroen, take it back.

Don't say you're sorry to us; say it to the Autobots. [autoblog]

What comes next is a parade of everyday PC users—scientists, fashion designers, teachers, and celebrities (like Pharrell!)—who talk about how much they like using computers that run on Microsoft operating systems and software. The vignettes, none of which are online right now, are supposed to be quick and upbeat... probably similar to those old Mac Switch ads?

As a Windows user who was deeply puzzled by what message the Seinfeld + Gates ads were trying to espouse, I'm glad they're going with a more informative, if conventional, approach. My biggest problem with the “I'm a Mac” ads were that they weren't, in any sense, grounded in reality. I don't look like John Hodgman. I use my computer for more than just spreadsheets. It's nice to see Microsoft's campaign reflect that. [NYTimes]

The ad aired on September 11 on CBS' “Big Brother” reality show. It's funnier than the first and you get to see Jerry clip his toenails and Bill do the robot, but as a Windows user, I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to think about this. “Looks like Macs aren't the only thing catering specifically to East and West coast elitists?” [ZDNet]

The ASA's argument is that "all the parts of the internet" would surely include Flash and Java webpages, both of which are not viewable in their native state through the iPhone's mobile Safari. From the ASA:

Because the iPhone doesn't support Flash or Java, you couldn't really see the internet in its full glory...[Apple] made a very general claim that you can see the internet in its entirety, and actually that's not quite true - so we've upheld.

Apple, on the other hand, argued that they were referring to webpage availability, not appearance.

We can definitely see where the ASA is coming from, but there's a lot more of the internet than can be reached on a web browser anyway... [BBC]

As much as I hate ads and I hate being inundated with them on a daily basis, if it meant saving $50 a month, I would be all over it. On the other hand, if they tried to send ads to my phone without it saving me any money, I'd be livid. I pay too much for it to be forced to watch ads to further line the pockets of the people I'm already keeping in business.

What do you think?

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Call me crazy, but shouldn't car commercials advertise real features of a car rather than invented features? I get that they want you to think Toyota is thinking of the future, but clearly this isn't the real future. Why don't you focus on making a hydrogen engine that people can afford and leave the special effects to the pros, mmkay? [NotCot]

* If the repetition of the word "cunt" didn't give it away, this video has an NSFW audio track. [via bbGadgets]

While Apple never promises your real world experience will be the same (your mileage may vary, depending on network congestion and coverage, for instance) it is sorta misleading, zooming past even our benchmarks, indicating it's at least on Wi-Fi, even though the ad is ostensibly talking about its 3G connection. Like, it would trick my mom, and that's not cool. [YouTube - Thanks Robert!]

Lee Iacocca - Chrysler - 1984

Any ad that has the company's CEO starting things off saying, "Well, when you've been kicked in the head like we have..." is going to get attention. After taking a $1.5 billion bailout from the government, Chrysler brought in Lee Iacocca from Ford to right the ship. There are more homespun self-deprecating zingers than you can keep up with. Other spots even featured Iacocca's famous "If you find a better car, buy it" tagline—basically hard-ass sarcasm aimed at potential customers. Hyping new and future cars as being "not bad for a company that had one foot in the grave" is honest to the point of self-destruction, but it's promising improvements.

"They tried to show this charismatic leadership that was going to fix it all, and Iococca himself got out there and he was really, really good at it. People actually were proposing he run for president after these," says Bob Thompson, a professor of media studies at Syracuse. Apparently it's too bad for Microsoft that the Mojave spots don't feature a screaming Ballmer.

GTE Telephone, Los Angeles, 1970
GTE telephone service in Los Angeles in the 1970s was apparently so shitty that the company ran an ad campaign that got written up in Time Magazine for its zaniness:

The neat middle-aged executive peers out from the television screen. "Hello," he says, his face crinkling into a sheepish grin. "I'm from General Telephone." Boos and hisses explode off-camera. "Now, I'm aware that General Telephone provides less than adequate service." Plop. A rotten tomato slides down his chin. "But we're spending $200 million in California this year on improving our service." He is hit with an egg. "Cables, switches, personnel, everything." A cream pie splatters over his face. "Thank you for your patience," he mumbles through the goo.

The spots were put together by DDB, the mega-firm responsible for the Volkswagen "Lemon" campaign that is generally regarded as the best ad of all time. It also used some reverse-psychology voodoo, but in the more traditional sense of treating perceived negatives as positives.

That's a Saturn? - 2006

Car companies are great at this. Taking the conception of a Saturn as a prissy, gutless nerdmobile and moving it up front here obviously makes today's model seem all the more shockingly stunning. Mmm hmm. And of course, on the same theme, we all remember this tune:

Sure, Fords used to suck, but have you driven one....lately?

Prudential Securities - 1994
Facing a huge fraud scandal, Prudential's comeback "Straight Talk" campaign is a perfect example of corporate damage control, using chief exec Hardwick Simmons (yes, real name) in a no-frills admission of guilt. NY Times says:

The campaign, by Deutsch/Dworin Inc. in New York, is imbued with cues intended to underscore the "straight talk" theme. The television commercials and print advertisements, which eschew celebrity endorsers, feature Prudential employees, from brokers to Mr. Simmons, who is called by his nickname, Wick.

The campaign also rejects slick, glitzy production values, using instead a minimalist approach: black-and-white photography, seemingly unrehearsed remarks read off note paper and directed at the camera.

"I'm straight with people and I expect the same," Mr. Simmons says in one commercial, "from my brokers to my kids." In a print version, in which frank statements are superimposed over his photograph so that he stands behind them — get it? — he declares straight talk "also means facing up to hard issues — admitting mistakes and fixing them."

Avis - We Try Harder - 1962

And why do they try harder? Because they're #2. In competition with #1 Hertz, Avis cranked on all the positives that being the cute, hard-working underdog can bring. And they're using the same tagline to this day.

"This was an incredibly effective, incredibly powerful campaign," says Thompson. They acknowledged that they were number two and used it as an asset to sell. We're going to be runnning faster, trying harder, etc. Turned a liability into a huge asset."

All of these campaigns are about putting the dark past behind us in exchange for a shiny next generation of new and improved products and services. But with Vista, where is the new product? What's going to replace users' frustrations? Telling them they're too stupid to cut through all the bad Vista press and realize what a gem they've been missing out on will not make people feel great about themselves or the future of Windows.

"It is a useless exercise to take an unchanged product and try to persuade people that their perceptions are wrong. Vista has a bad reputation because it doesn't work well. It is an earned reputation, the only way to address it...is to change," says Bob Garfield, an advertising journalist who writes for Ad Age and other publications. "I haven't seen anyone I can think of try to do this with a discrete product, as opposed to a service."

The intended audience here is obviously novice users. But novice users aren't dumb users. The first question this campaign pops into those peoples' heads is, "Why have so many people said that Vista sucks?" They're going to research it. They're going to find out. A trick like Mojave isn't going to fool them.

Before the comments erupt into flames, it should be obvious that this is not about Vista sucking or not, but whether the newest Vista ads suck or not. Should a huge, important company have thought twice before doing something so kamikaze-like? Desperation calls for desperate measures, but unfortunately for Microsoft, kamikazes are rarely on the winning side.

There are surely way more instances of this happening—shoot any more great "we suck" ads in the comments.

[Big thanks to Ray at Jalopnik, Bob Garfield, Prof. Bob Thompson, Kipp Cheng at AAAA and Prof. Don Sexton at Columbia Business School]

[Space Invaders via Not Cot]

It makes sense that Microsoft is going for a more conceptual ad here, rather than tick off a list of everything that people should perceive Vista is good at (they already do that on the page the ad points to). I can think of a lot of other future installments, like "At one point, everyone thought witches walked among us" or "At one point, people thought they could turn lead into gold," or "At one point, people thought that it was a good idea to shit into ditches alongside the city streets." The campaign basically writes itself—why don't you guys give is a whirl. [ZDNet via CrunchGear]

Seriously though, from what other shots reveal, the assembly process took hours of precise supergluing:

By the ad firm Philipp und Keuntje. [cominucadores via Core77]

[Boing Boing Gadgets]

Flogos can be cranked out at the rate of one every 15 seconds and they can float for miles—making them a unique and appealing way for businesses to advertise. However, renting a machine doesn't come cheap. One day of cloud-making will set you back at least $2500. [Flogo via LiveScience]

CNET's blurb about Vista being one of tech's "biggest blunders" is actually from an op-ed that Microsoft should dump the OS entirely, while the PC Mag snippet is the title of a column from January that proffers ways for Microsoft to start-over.

It's not a mind-blowing factual error to say the quotes are from reviews, or even that disingenuous—attack ads usually involve a roll in the mud—but it's worth pointing out there's a difference between a position and an actual review. Not to say that the spots aren't amusing—John Hodgman is a riot. Oh, and we're certain its debut the same week as Vista SP1's is a total coinky-dink. [TechEBlog]

Dog Rides Comfortably in Sack on Running Board

When you take your dog along for a ride, but prefer not having it inside the car, it can ride safely and comfortably in this sack, which is carried on the running board. The bottom of the sack is clamped to the running board and the top is fastened to the lower part of an open window with hooks, covered with small rubber tubing to prevent marring the car.