"We are not ruling out other possibilities," said LAPD captain Mike Furillo, "there's the microwave, the gas oven, the hairdryer, the water boiler, the butler and that huge stash of MDMA and Xanax." He then proceeded to show the press what appeared to be sightly burned leather gloves in a plastic bag. "And then we have these. We found them in the living room with the initials O.J. on them. Can you believe it? Can you see the pattern here? Can you? Huh? Huh?" while winking repeatedly at the press waiting outside Hello Kitty's apartment block.

Japanese-born Kitty, 34, whose real name was Janice Lindeblower, was found naked, her body charred on the kitchen floor next to dead boyfriend Badtz Badtz Maru, 31, who had the same injuries, according to LA County coroner Jim Exposito. Both were pronounced dead at the scene. Asked about the possible cause of death, Exposito said that "the first clues point out to an electrical problem. Apparently the microwave went into some kind ultra-powerful cycle. Almost demonic. Yeah. That's it. I bet they were demons or something." According to Engadget editor Ryan Block, this is highly improbable: "a non-ionizing 2.45 GHz electromagnetic waves emitter consumer-oriented device like this won't kill people unless their cavity magnetrons have been tampered with, for what the IEEE specifies as military radar definitions, that is, 30 to 300GHz waves. These guys need to learn how to do their jobs."

Two cross-sections from Hello Kitty autopsy. One with roasted pineapple. Gross.

Famed Hello Kitty expert and Digg editor Kevin Rose was sad to hear the news. "I'm sad to hear the news," Rose said via radio-link from his yacht in the Mediterranean, "my story with Kitty goes a long way back, even if our relationship went a little cold when she met that penguin. No pun intended."

In a phone call later today, close friend of Kitty and LOLcats Inc.'s VP of Marketing Lady Fatouche declared: "o the tearz. Firs Chandler now Kitty. Wear iz we goin to do wiz no Kitty? Dis terribl sad newz. Terribl."

Hello Kitty left no heirs to her $58 billion fortune, composed of several estates, intellectual property portfolios, Apple stock and, reportedly, the biggest collection of pink sex toys in the world. According to unnamed sources, erotic novels auteur Jason Chen, who had a brief affair with la Kitty during the '90s, may claim his rights over her assets. "Or at least, her sex toys collection," Mr. Chen said in a note sent from his San Francisco, California, 5,380-square-foot triplex bachelor pad. "And her bras." [Hello Kitty Hell]

Photos by Gizmodo's intrepid Las Vegas cameraman Curtis Joe Walker

No soul could exist behind those dead eyes. These are the things that nightmares are made of. [Hello Kitty Hell via Neatorama]

The worldwide propagation of Hello Kitty gear once made no sense to me, until my research uncovered the obvious: there is a gargantuan Hello Kitty queen that needs to be slaughtered. I'm off to the East the find the nest. Who's with me? [newlaunches]

Because, really, is there a bigger dealbreaker than that? Could you really imagine becoming romantically involved with someone who spent over $300 on a microwave bedazzled with Hello Kitty artwork? Imagine the mix of emotions you'd feel, from anger to betrayal to pity. Oh, the horrors. Is there a dealbreaker on par with this? I think it's up there with a bed completely covered in stuffed animals, and if both appeared in the same home I'd be unable to keep myself from running screaming from the premises. Dating is dangerous business. [Product Page via Shiny Shiny]

This must be the first time Sanrio's nauseous invention will be doing something useful (apart from humiliating kittens, that is.)

From today, Thai policemen who break the rules will be forced to wear a bright pink armband embroidered with the Hello Kitty logo and two hearts for several days. It is hoped that the cartoon cat will help build discipline.

"We should not let small offenses go unnoticed," said Police Colonel Pongpat Chayapan. "Guilty officers will be made to wear the armbands in the office for a few days, with instructions not to disclose their offenses. Let people guess what they have done." [BBC News]

Ironically enough, Maneki Neko is a symbol of wealth, which leads me to rewrite Jane Austen. "A single man in possession of a good fortune is in need of a Maneki Neko doll" has a certain ring about it, don't you think? There seems to be a lot of high-end Hello Kitty tat coming out of Japan at the moment such as this $6K childcare robot. And then there's this - HK's attempt at humiliating its own kind. [Born Rich]

This the commodity is not daily arrival and the collar. It will stop the use and unreasonable wearing of long haul.
"Foppery" to be delightful is potato excessively for the cat.

With the [ri] which is the [ku] which is said becomes matter of concern, but....

So, when the [ya] it is you dress in the cat of the foppish class upper-class person, attracting the attention of the camera young priest in oneself you are not wrong the shank!

Featuring face recognition through a CMOS sensor and voice recognition through a microphone, hopefully Hello Kitty will remember not to blurt your secrets to the first Aibo who crosses her path. Her face, whiskers and ribbons are equipped with LED lights, which (we're guessing based upon vague description) alter states based upon identity recognition and/or Aibo seduction.

A moving head, arms and legs couple with a motion sensor...probably for cold, calculated robot hugs. And Hello Kitty appears to be an entertainment device with TV-Out and mouse compatibility...probably for cold, calculated robot brainwashing.

Though light on specifics, we think the website sums it up best with: "This is a perfect robot for whoever does not have a lot time to stay with child. Hello Kitty Robo can help you to stay with your child to keep them from being lonely."

Say no more, Hello Kitty Robot manufacturer. You had me at "I hate my child." [dreamkitty]

I have encircled my right wrist with thumb and forefinger of my left hand and am chanting, "Calm. Calm. Calm." However, it is not working. I am not calm. I am SHINING with angry pink Swarovski fury. Oh, yes. Someone needs to put a fatwah on Sanrio Corp. Please. I will pay them. Here. I've got a couple of shirt buttons, some pocket fluff, a card with the hotline number for my local nuthouse's Rapid Response team and a piece of Orbit gum. Anyone?

You probably can't hear anything save the sweet sound of hyperventilation (that's me in the corner, backed up as far away as I can from the charms of Biff and Petey, said Rapid Responders) but as they try and pin me down with a butterfly net and a trank dart, I'll give you a closer shot at it and the price...

$1640. Thump. – Ad Dugdale

PC which treats Hello the Kitty of NEC and the Crystal Glass [PC Watch through Google Translate]

At $50, it's not as cheap as the (free?) camera phone diet assessment making the rounds in Japan, but the results are more immediate. Besides, hello, Hello Kitty sticker—it's never too early for young girls to obsess over what they eat. – Matt Buchanan

Hello Kitty Body Fat Meter [Gizmodiva via Ubergizmo]

BEAR means well, but one look at his Hello Kitty Angel of Death face and foreboding forklift arms would most likely scare a fading soldier to death, or a dead soldier to life. It's a toss up. And what happens when this $100,000 roving psychopath gets his cat/badger/raccoon head macheted off? Now I really feel bad the soldier who calls "Not it!" last. – Jack Ventura

I think this one is aimed at only the most hardcore geeks around. In a beautiful shade that can only be described as Pepto Bismol Puke, the Hello Kitty keyboard will bring hours of happiness to your working day. It's got quick-start buttons for email, Internet and multimedia access, a sleep and wake-up button and color-coded keys to help you learn to type. All this, plus a wrist rest, will set you back $35. Oh, and you can roll it up —after you've taken a hammer to it, that is. – Ad Dugdale

Product Page [eBay via Shiny Shiny]

And sometimes the new fact is so mind-bogglingly riddickerluss that you forget what it was you were writing about. It makes you want to run, naked, into the street and shout, "Why, Lord, WHY?"

And then, nudie and unashamed, you get down on your knees and you prostrate yourself in front of the traffic lights on the main drag of your town, ignoring the gathering crowd and that nice man who is dangling a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in front of you while hiding a straitjacket behind his back, and you pray for a solution to come to you.

And when it finally does, it's simple. Two words. Goodbye Kitty. Actually, why leave it at two? Here are some more. Sayonara. Feck Orf, Please. Just Go. Don't Say A Word*. Be Gone, Libidinous Strumpet. You Eat Little Fishies, Now Sleep With The Fishes. Lock The Catflap On Your Way Out, Would You, There's a Dear? Watch Out For The...*Squish* ...Runaway Hummer. Oops.

Anyway, where was I? Reece's? No, The mind-boggling fact. It's after the jump.

Since 1983 Hello Kitty has been the US Children's Ambassador for UNICEF.

See what I mean? The fact completely surpasses the gizmo. Which in this case is a Hello Kitty car charger for iPod with built-in FM receiver. Now please excuse me, I need to lie down in a darkened room and dream up ways to kill Kitty. Your help would be appreciated. – Ad Dugdale

* That can't be too difficult, seeing as you are not in possession of a mouth. You shoulda starved to death by now.

Hello Kitty car iPod recharger [One's and Zero's]

I imagine that being a cordless-phone designer is pretty similar to playing for the Atlanta Hawks, minus the big money, groupies, and VIP strip-club privileges. I mean, you're technically in the gadgets game, which is nirvana for a geek—certainly beats working a Store 24 cash register. But you've also got to realize that you're rarely going to get props from consumers, let alone the media. That's because, let's face it, cordless phones have pretty much topped out in terms of technological sophistication—just as the Hawks seem to perennially top out at, oh, a dozen or so games under .500.

The difference between the Hawks and the cordless-phone industry? The Hawks can be—and probably should be—avoided. But millions of Americans, including your humble narrator, still have landlines in this otherwise Unstrung Era. And having a landline means basically means having a cordless phone.

But which phone to choose if you're a low-ender loath to spend over $50? Specs aren't much of an issue here—those 5.8 GHz phones aren't demonstrably better than the 2.4 GHz models, and caller ID is ubiquitous even on the most ludicrously cheap Unidens. So it's best to go for the aesthetic frills. After the jump, a rundown of four gimmicky cordless phones I'm considering, and an appeal for your advice. PLUS: Best Chinese manufacturer names!

Motorola MA357 (pictured above)
Pros In a word, camouflage. I can imagine few better ways to demonstrate one's inherent machismo than with a hunting-ready cordless phone. On top of that, it offers a veritable Wild Kingdom of ringtones: bear, duck, elk, "couger" [sic], coyote, loon, and a few others. Includes belt clip.
Cons I wonder if camo is sort of impractical for a handset. Seems like it would easily get lost amid the piles of clothes and whatnot that litter my cramped apartment. Also, the base station's girth seems excessive.
Bottom Line The front-runner, though a little pricey at around $40. (Remember, I'm cheap as all get-out.)

Spectra KT2015 (a.k.a. the Hello Kitty Phone
Pros Will make my wife happy. The most innovative design in this price range—I dig the curves. 40-number speed dial, which is a lot for $40. Handset will stand out amid piles of junk. Affordable relative to other notable Hello Kitty products.
Cons Pink. Potentially emasculating.
Bottom Line Highly unlikely for my household, though I appreciate the designers' efforts—the Josh Smiths of their industry, so to speak. Wish the Tony Stewart NASCAR phone was cheap enough for consideration.

GE Cordless Bedroom Phone
Pros Transformers-like multifunctionality. Unobtrusive design. Programmable snooze, which is a feature I've been yearning for on my antiquated Sony Dream Machine.
Cons Do I really, truly need another low-end clock radio? Does anyone? Also, the handset is a throwback to the pre-mobile era—very rigid lines, not the elegant curves of today's more Razr-inspired numbers.
Bottom Line Another valiant attempt to make the cordless phone halfway interesting, but not sure an AM/FM radio really does it for me.

Uniden Submersible Cordless Phone
Pros Ostensibly waterproof, though I'm sure that "water-resistant" would be the more accurate description. Handset is yellow, the international color for ruggedized gadgets. Handset is also described as "floating," which can only be a good thing. Oh, and "Rubber Side Grips"? Yes, please!
Cons Ugh, an antiquated model operating at 900 MHz, which means you can expect lots of interference issues. Weird upright base station that'll probably tip over if placed on the floor instead of screwed into the wall. A low-end Uniden, a brand not known for its reliability (in my personal experience, at least).
Bottom Line I'd be enchanted if this were a 2.4 GHz phone, and the price was 10 bucks less. But if ifs and buts were candy and nuts...

As you can tell, I'm definitely leaning toward buying myself the Motorola camo phone. But I'm going to put my telephonic fate in your hands, comrades—am I making a mistake by bringing ursine ringtones into my life? Am I letting machismo cloud my judgment of the Hello Kitty phone's technological charms? Please, I beg of you—shower upon me your bountiful wisdom.

BRILLIANT SUCCESS: Engrish has always been a topic of great fascination 'round these parts. So, too, should its entertaining corollary—the hyper-optimism of Chinese corporate names.

I'm compiling a list of the sunniest-sounding Guangdong firms, inspired in part by a recent spam I received from one Ms. Dong Happy (who, unfortunately, is employed by the comparatively bland-sounding Qingdao Univer Import & Export Co., Ltd.). So far, my best catch is Brilliant Success Electronics Technology, based in the delightful gadgets mecca of Shenzhen. Anyone got something even more positive? Please share with the group in comments. The sunnier, the better—having an awful week over here, what with a slow leak causing my century-old hardwood floors to buckle, and my corner bodega no longer stocking Sapporo tall boys. Definitely could use the psychological boost of, say, a Wonderful Amazing Happy Smile Electronics Co, Ltd.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

Read more Low End Theory

Further proving that there's a secret inter-dimensional empire working to take over planet Earth, producing all kinds of absurd devices with behavior-modifying chips in them, here comes the Hello Kitty Air Purifier.

Install it at home, in the car seat or implanted under your armpit, and get rid of odors. In theory. Looking at it, as well as cleansing the atmosphere, it will rid you of bad karma, kill Kenny, and save Al Gore too. As for changing you into a psychopath, it's already working, because I've felt compelled to put another product shot of Her Imperial Majesty Hello Kitty, right after the jump.

– Jesus Diaz

Hello Kitty purifies your air [Akihabara News]

Hello Kitty and Space Invaders are both pop culture icons from Japan in the 1970s, but nobody thought to put them together—until now. Here we see the two have made sweet love and bred a Space Invaders-Hello Kitty cell phone strap. Classic.
–Lisa Katayama

Hello Kitty Meets Space Invaders [TokyoMango]

Our favorite: the Hello Kitty Lady Shaver. Who knows Kitties better than The Kitty? – Jason Chen With Photos By Curtis Walker

Product Page [Via Popgadget]

Wacom Hello Kitty edition Tablet [Gizmodiva]

But really, is Hello Kitty an acquired taste, or do you have to be from a certain era or part of the world to get this? What am I missing? It's just tacky. To hell with Hello Kitty. I say, Good-bye Kitty. – Charlie White

Hello Kitty Exhaust Pipe [Boing Boing]

Hello Kitty, the apple TV. [Akihabara]

Hello Kitty iPod Cases [via Chip Chick]

BenQ AL26 Hello Kitty Slider [Via Crunchgear]

Hello Kitty gets into RFID bodyguard work [Digital World Tokyo]
Pocketbook Protector [Wired]

Honestly, I don't think there's anyone actually reading this far. Hello Kitty lovers have already gone and bought the item, and everyone else has skipped and gone onto the next post. That means I can take this space to declare my undying love for Jude Law. That man is dyno-miiiite!. – Jason Chen

KT4555 iPod Speakers [Spectra - Thanks Farhan!]

Cartoony Ear Cleaners [ShinyShiny]