Gizmodo
So you're going into space? Don't laugh, many of you reading this will probably be space tourists, and some of you may even end up living there. Experienced astronauts and space doctors want you to know how to be cool in space, not stepping on anyone's toes (figuratively, of course) while floating around in zero G, where everything is different. These space veterans have some tips for that first space mission you're planning, making life easier for everyone on board:
1. Keep from throwing up all over everyone. Space makes a lot of people sick, even seasoned astronauts, and there are special drugs that have been developed for space sickness. Use them, but don't take too much or you'll have urinary retention, requiring catheterization, which has gotta hurt.
2. Do not look directly into the sun. If you have to remember this, maybe you should consider a different type of vacation, such as spelunking.
3. Clip your fingernails before you go. Those fingernail clippings can float all around the cabin, creating a nuisance for your fellow spacepeople.
Seven more space etiquette tips, after the jump!
4. Don't play with your food. Liquids form a sphere at zero G, and they are tons of fun to play with, so if you must, just use water, and not staining liquids such as grape juice.
5. If you must have space sex, be sure there are no errant droplets or pubic hair specimens floating around afterward, which could prove themselves to be quite embarrassing.
6. Don't hog the windows. Looking out the window is the prime leisure activity on board a spaceship, so be polite, get your ass out of the way and let somebody else gaze at Mother Earth for a while.
7. Clean up the toilet after you've finished. No one wants to be touching, breathing or otherwise contacting any of your bodily excreta. "If you don't take care of your own responsibilities, tension can build up, especially on a long-duration space flight," says former shuttle astronaut Tom Jones.
8. Remember, being in confined quarters for a few days is like being in an elevator. Hold in your farts, and no smoking.
9. If you have really long hair, consider cutting it. It will look like you've stuck your finger in an electrical socket in space, floating all over the place. If you can't cut it, at least tie that shit down.
10. If you don't mind, perhaps you can do a bit of blogging from space for Gizmodo, taking some key gadgets along and letting us know how they work out there, or even inviting us along as your loyal and most entertaining assistants.
Astronauts offer etiquette lessons to space tourists [NewScientistSpace]
Comments
re: Rule #5... Who's been doin' the big nasty in orbit that they had to make up this rule?
More importantly... who is the Space Cutie!
What 3 gadgets would you take to space?
- iPod..... what can be better than to have Pink Floyd in space?
- A badass digital camera with tons of storage (10 mega pixels at least) - think how jelous your friends will be once they see your "little vacation" pix.
- Video camera to record all the stupid things you could/would do in zero G.
I think that would have to be my list...
More importantly... who is the space Cutie!!!!
wouldn't you want to try out rule #5? so... don't complain about the clean up.
re: rasaustin
Whoever went up with the girl in the picture...
No farting? C'mon. You'll hurt yourself doing that.
-and don't break open the ant farm.
holding in your farts may lead to spontaneous combustion, i saw it in a documentry called southpark. :)
don't eat the yellow spheres.
I always wanted to eat floating potatoe chips.
Just how many astromanauts have been having space sex that it warranted its own rule?
AMEN Strider. Last time I was in space I opened a big bag of chips. What a mess.....
Genericuser = Dan Quayle.
Long hair? Tie that shit down! And if you MUST have sex, please clean all your floating sperm to avoid unwanted pregnancy.
@rasaustin and gotsmart: Really... I want to know how many astronauts are in the 100-mile high club.
Rule #8 No spraying Lysol All Purpose cleaner in the ship.
Rule #9 No picking your figging nose in space, its digusting and where are you going to flick em.
We must be sending up a lot of gay people to warrant rule nr.5 :)
250 miles high club :-)
Man what a hottie. How come everyones jaw drops for the asian TV models but no jaw dropping action for our hot space traveler. Look at that smile and that hair. Man I want to break #5 every time I see that beauty........
Rule #8: No smoking. It stinks up everyone's air and can blow up the oxygen. If you must smoke, take it outside so it's confined to your space suit. Or the vaccuum of space where the air will be sucked from your lungs and you'll explode.
I think NASA still says it never asked anyone to have space sex and is in the "no comment" area when asked if anyone has orbited uglies.
I also want to know who got it on in space. I didn't think anyone to date had had the time, energy or will? Best, I'd have thought, to avoid undue exertion as much as possible... not many opportunities to clean up.
I wonder if any GPS units will work in space. Is there a website to download space map packs?
we've got to help akina so she can go to outerspace if she wants to
For the record...
Russians had sex in space... or something like it. According to my knowledge women cannot get pregnant in space (or zero G at least) due to the fact that a fertilized embrio cannot latch to the walls of the uterus due to the lack of gravity. So after a few hours, the lack of nutrients will result in a dead embrio.
Now... whether they tested this by artificial insemination or doing the Wild Polka... I do not know. I guess we can all agree one method is a hell of a lot easier and a lot more fun than the other.
Hey Would you try it in the name of Science? Heck, I would be the first in line!
If space weightlessness is the natural contraceptive and Bigelow Aerospace builds that hotel... there gonna be a lot of whooping going on up there!
http://www.thespacereview.com/article/660/1
Scotty, Beam me up!
Who is Dan Quayle?
On the other hand, farting in space, aside from the stink, could make one heck of a game for "Self Propeled Olympics"...
All you would need is some sort of a funnel (to work as a rocket nozzle) and a spark generator (a barbeque 9V igniter would do).
... And a can of beans.
Who knows... may be that's why they call him "FLASH" Gordon.
11. Cans of shaving cheese are NOT for use as "emergency thrusters".
12. Asking "Did you put the cat out?" not funny after the third time.
13. Few DVD players support orbital region code 11.
Haven't a bunch of people spent a month or more up there? That means that they all masturbated. Thus, Rule No. 5.
The day I'm floating along and someone's jizz floats by, is the day there's the first Space-Stabbing-in-the-eye, immediatly followed by the first space-suplergluing-your-cock-closed.
Space is full of firsts!
Whoa, that girl is pretty cute...for space.
Well, re: Rule 5, There has at least been a legitimate opportunity for it. See: http://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/shuttle/shuttlemissions/...
Astronauts Lee and Davis during training... without the knowledge of NASA. When it was made public, they were placed on opposite work shifts for the duration of the mission.
Oddly enough, the mission was extended for an extra day... and the middeck cameras were out for a short period on that day.
To quote from the "Mission Highlights" on the above NASA site:
"Materials science investigations covered such fields as biotechnology, electronic materials, fluid dynamics and transport phenomena, glasses and ceramics, metals and alloys, and acceleration measurements. Life sciences included experiments on human health, cell separation and biology, developmental biology, animal and human physiology and behavior, space radiation, and biological rhythms. Test subjects included the crew, Japanese koi fish (carp), cultured animal and plant cells, chicken embryos, fruit flies, fungi and plant seeds, and frogs and frog eggs."
Things that make you go "Hmmmmmm..."....
Oops... that should read "Astronauts Lee and Davis got married during training..."
Philisophical Question:
If sex occurs in space, and there are no bedsprings or headboard does the "squeak, bang, squeak, bang" noise still occur?
Membership in the Geostationary Orbit Club will certainly do wonders for ending the argument about who gets to be on top...
Rule #5 is a legitimate reason to enforce the "swallow" rule for everyones safety (and enjoyment).
#10 doesn't really count... I had to add one of the most crucial rules.
10. There is one thing that everyone in space wants to do and that is a flip. And why not? For all you rollercoaster lovers out there, space is the amusement park for the ultimate rollercoaster corkscrew flip. In space, flipping can be hella fun, but can also backfire into a nightmare if done without utmost precision. With zero gravity acting as a super-conductor and you as a boomerang, a careless flip has the potential to turn into a violent-spinning-cycle-of-death. In fact, flips have been known to take out an entire spacecraft... all because one astronaut thinks he has the biggest balls and feels a need to show them off in the act of the ultimate flip... but little does he know it's the flip-o-death!
Until artificial gravity is developed, it is necessary to find out if conception can occur in microgravity, because until FTL is developed, serious spaceflight will be multigenerational. Something many of you have missed is Newton's laws of motion, and the fact that in microgravity there are no "beds" to work against. It's not as easy as you think it is.
A lot of the gadgets mentioned won't work in space for various reasons. Take a GPS, for instance. They require a clear view of the satellites, and the signals won't enter the metal shell of the ISS. Besides, there isn't a consumer GPS that will work at 17,500 mph.
The ISS has one, just use it to see where you are. Your cell phone or BlackBerry won't work either. Anything that relies upon receiving radio signals won't work.
iPods, or any battery-powered device with self-contained media will be just fine. Take your laptop with music and video files, and enjoy.
But in all reality, please use "common courtesy", and everything will be just fine. The "long hair" rule also applies to those of you who sport mullets, too.
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